Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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