Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
