I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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