They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
