Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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