So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
