dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
