So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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