Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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