What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
