goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
