I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
