As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
