My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
