Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
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Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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