What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
