Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
