girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize