just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't deserve a penis
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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