$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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