I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
