Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
