i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
