the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
