I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
