My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish you could order shots online.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
