man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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