I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
