shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
