"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize