if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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