Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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