when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
