you didnt know i had herpes?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
