and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
