It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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