God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
