I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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