I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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