Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
