I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
