My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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