Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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