I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
