If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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