I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
