Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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