god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
