They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
