I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
