I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
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Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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