I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
