Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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